This is my first post, and it was inspired from reading a blog post written Eric Anthony Grollman entitled Academia is a Warzone. I am grateful for the space that Grollman has created for the marginalized in academia. I am also thankful for the risks he takes without hiding behind a pseudonym.

 

I, on the other hand, am hiding. And it is precisely because of the reasons mentioned in Grollman's post. I do not feel safe in academia. I am on the tenure-track, and I am strongly considering leaving academia, in order to pursue an altac/postac/nonac career.

 

I was crying while reading Grollman's post because it reminded me of what it feels like to live in a constant state of vulnerability. While reading, I painfully remembered the many incidents for which I wasn't prepared. I've now realized that I must arm myself with a rainbow protective shield. I must actively find ways to prevent emotional derailments from crippling me as severely as they usually do. The problem is how to create the resources necessary for the debriefing that should come after incidents occur. In addition, daily indignities and microaggressions can cause minor derailments.

 

I also have a difficult time engaging in self-care, a practice critical to survival in academia. I'd argue that self-care isn't fully possibly if you are living apart from your family. Because my partner is also an academic, the "two body problem" of academia is a daily reality. It's nice that academics have come up with a pithy phrase for it, but honestly, this is much more than a problem - it's a part of a process of obliteration and soul destruction, similar to the practices of a warzone. 

 

It is for these reasons and so many more, that I am thinking of leaving the tenure track and maybe even leaving the academy as a whole. I feel that grad school damaged me, and I allowed it. It is now my choice to begin recovery. I can advocate for myself and my family, and declare that no amount of toxicity is worth being apart from my family. I must move beyond the PTSD created by grad school, and seek a new path for myself. It's unclear what this path will look like, but I must embrace this uncertainty in order to reclaim myself and my family.